and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
