Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
