Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
