Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
