I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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