Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
