Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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