not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
