I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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