thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I looked at my own cervix.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
