I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
