Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
