We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
