Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
