Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize