I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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