I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
they call him Oral-B. enough said
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
