Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
