I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
