Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
