I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
