PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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