then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
