I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
soo... how was my night?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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