Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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