OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
