It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
