did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
