i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
We named our party play list daddy issues
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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