I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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