PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
