I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I have fence marks all over my body
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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