he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
