now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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