I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
How naked do you want me to be?
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