I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
