He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
