so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
