My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
