We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
