Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
