I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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