Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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