No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
