What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
