hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
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