Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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