Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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