quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Randomize
