i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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