my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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