i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
