i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
is wine microwaveable?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
