Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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