look no pants
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
