you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
