I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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