i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
