Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
