i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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